verse 2

[This is part of an ongoing tandem writing experiment. To read the full story, click here.]

"Friedrick," Lucifer said, then sighed. "Be a dear and bring me a spoon."

Friedrick tried to hide the look of worry that immediately broke on his face. He knew what the spoon was for. "A spoon, your Royal Lowness?"

Lucifer jerked forward like lightning, instantly centimeters from Friedrick's face. Fire poured from his pupils.

"A SPOON!"

The words echoed through the halls of hell, burst through the gates of the world beyond existence and caused volcanoes to erupt on the surface of the earth. Children born at that instant were born deaf, or blind, or would never know their name. Roses wilted, lovers quarrelled and favorite dogs ran away.

Lucifer leaned back in his throne and spoke again. "Please."

Friedrick cupped his hands and yelled toward the hall that led to the kitchen. "Our Most Maleficent Leader requires a spoon."

the words were carried by the various sentrys down the hall toward the kitchen.

"Our Most Maleficent Leader requires a spoon."

"Our Most Maleficent Leader requires a spoon"

"Our Most Maleficent Leader requires a spoon"

(murmurs)

"How big a spoon? we talking teaspoon or ladle?"

"How big a spoon? Does he want a teaspoon or a ladle?

"How big a spoon? Does his Excellence require something in the range of a teaspoon or more along the lines of a ladle?"

Friedrick turned and asked. "How big a spoon my lord, one that-

"Friedrick go get the spoon yourself." Lucifer was sitting in his throne with one leg on the armrest and the index finger and thumb of his right hand massaging his closed eyelids.

Friedrick began walking the hallways and caverns that lead to the kitchen, passing many empty chains meant for curing souls. while crossing a rope bridge that stood above a river of magma, Friedrick heard a man named Wilhelm scream a very familiar scream, so not all the souls were gone. Wilhelm could always be counted on.

He also passed Farrokh Bulsara, hanging from a set of chains and being whipped with the radio antenna that was once atop the World Trade Center. All of the other souls had brief periods of relief from demon punishment during the shift changes but Farrokh never got one, for Beelzebub had a devil put aside for him.

When Friedrick opened the door made of human bone, senew, etc., he saw that the cooking staff was expecting him. They had all stopped what they were doing and were looking at him.The head chef, a cherub-demon named Augoostus Sprunkenmeyer, was classically trained in the dark culinary arts and needless to say wanted to get the intruder out of his workplace at once.

"Luci's one miffed morningstar right now and i dont need him angry at me because his dinner is late or there arent enough hairs in his soup. take what you need and get out."

"I dont know where to find what I'm looking for," Friedrick explained.

"Stanley, give the demon what he needs and get back to pickling testicles."

As everyone got back to work, a demon from the back of the room came forward. He was wearing an A shirt with stains on it and an apron and was the spitting image of a young Ernest Borgnine; but of course that couldnt actually be Ernest Borgnine, they had boiled him in a stew several years ago.

He flipped a wash-cloth over his shoulder and put out a giant muscular hand. Friedrick shook it.

"Friedrick Tuke-Tuke, nice to meet you."

"Stanley Washadowski, how can I help?"

"Look, I just need a spoon and a severed head with an easy-seal forehead for convenient snacking."

"Uh-oh. You think that means he's gonna call th-

"Almost certain of it, just the idea of it puts him in a funk. Frankly, I'm not too happy about it either. I think I know what theyre going to say and if they do, I swear my puss glands will run dry."

"What do you think they're going to say?" Stanley pulled a severed finger with red nail polish on the long finger nail from a small box in his pack pocket and lit one end on an open burner. The finger hung loose in his mouth while he put the box back.

Just then Lucifer's voice pierced the room.

"Friedrick!"

On earth, a nursing home burnt down, three species of rare animals, and one rather abundant species went extinct, and a large, economically powerful nation, probably a member of the European Union, became fiscally insolvent.

Stanley immediately moved to the drawer and grabbed a spoon, turned and opened the reburnerator. From this he produced a severed head: used for snacking, loaded with calories and transfats, and generally a good pick me up when a demon is feeling depressed because a boy didnt call or has to face certain advisory boards.

"Thanks," Friedrick said as he grabbed the items and moved for the door made of human bone, senew, etc.

"No prob," Stanley said as he stubbed out the lady's finger and moved back to the pickle jar.

Friedrick ran back to the main hall and found Lucifer weeping. He handed Lucifer the spoon and head and it was a matter of seconds before the top was off the head and a spoonful of wicked brains were in Lucifers mouth. He talked with his mouth full.

"Im gunnuhavtah caw in tha counshel. I dun no whad da doo." Tears of acid and sulfur ran gently down his cheek.

"I figured as much your Royal Lowness, and I am truly sorry. If there is anything i can do to-

"Yunooh, I duneven nooh why I shtawded that stoopid counshel." He took a breath and another bite. " They alvayzh make me feew sho shmall. sho shmall."

Satan sobbed.

***

There are only two ways to avoid being demon food or fuel in the afterlife. The first is the one already known to all humans and that is to live a good life and follow the path of enlightenment. The other, the one known to so very few humans, is to live the most evil, rotten, vile life full of sin and debauchery known to all creation. To be so evil that Satan himself feels a little intimidated by your presence. The only way to reach this higher level of evil, is to rationalize. It is one thing to commit an evil act, it is quite another to be able to rationalize it. These few and retched souls, in order to reach the levels of evil they have all achieved, must all be capable of rationalizing at levels beyond that of a mere demon, and are able to justify any action whatsoever if given the proper time and parameters. That is why they are called Lucifer's Council of Justified Rational Behavior. But informally they are known as Beelzebub's Braintrust. When they have ideas, civilizations crumble.

***

The spoon made a thunking sound as it hit the bottom of the brain cavity.

"Oh, I feel better." Lucifer exhaled. Still sniffling a little bit, he began to wipe the acid out of his eyelashes and off his face. He wiped under his nose.

"Would you like another tissue my leige? Best if the council didnt see that you were crying." Friedrick leaned over the throne and handed Lucifer another tissue.

"You're right, You're right."

Friedrick held up the trash basket and Lucifer put his last tissue in.

"You know, Friedrick, you really are a loyal servant." Lucifer's ill thoughts toward Friedrick had passed temporarily while he needed someone to share with.

"Thank you, you Royal Lowness."

"No, I mean it. you really are a loyal servant."

"Shall we bring in the council, sire?"

"Yes," Lucifer composed himself in his throne. "Lets bring them in."

Friedrick walked to the edge of the giant main hall and grabbed the handle on a giant switch made of human bone, senew, etc. and pulled back with a hearty jerk.

Just then a giant office table filled with bickering men in business attire descended from the ceiling via a dumbwaiter. The sound of their arguing filled the room and pierced Lucifer's ears. Nietzsche was screaming at Lenin, Lenin was screaming at the guy who set up the sound systems for Hitler's speeches, Deep Blue was begging John Denver to play him again, and John Denver was tuning his guitar. And that was just the five guys sitting closest to Lucifer.

Lucifer plugged his ears and began.

"YOU HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO THIS CHAMBER OF ULTIMATE DARKNESS AT THE BEHEST OF THE PRINCE OF OBLIVIAN AND THE KEEPER OF THE GATES OF UNBEING! I, LUCIFER, HOLD DOMINION OVER THIS LAND OF ASH AND REGRET AND I COMMAND YOU NOW TO SILENCE!

And there was silence. And then

"No, you shut up," said Nikola Tesla way in the back.